Leap Year

2 Jan

2016 Here I go. Will this be the year I actually carry through with my blog. I don’t think I have a choice anymore. I am treated, therapy-ed, and monitored. Yet it is the beginning of the new age of the damaged me. The last couple of (5) years have been a seemingly never-ending stream traumatic incidents, every six-months whether I needed one or not. – to the point I decided I actually was being karmically bitch-slapped by an 8- armed goddess (h/t Bubble Boy) But my position on karma has also changed. What goes around, comes around is truly what I believed. But when horrible thing after horrible thing keeps happening, soon I felt that to be honest with myself, I had to admit that I was horrible person. It has always been pretty easy for me to go on the attack – on myself.

This last year I understood Allie Brosch, Hyperbole and a Half, more than ever. One panel in her excellent series on Depression sums up my feelings for the past 15 months –

Its not that I want to kill myself, I just wish I could become dead somehow.

I actually walked in lightning storms, close to banks of raging rivers, looked at passing trains with longing. I thought a lot about dying. I have my reasons, but finally I did make the decision – I chose life; I actually made the conscious decision to stay alive, including that I immediately quit thinking about dying all of the time. It was a turning point in my life. Now – 8 months later, I actively make sure my actions are supporting my decision to live, not subverting it. I have had a lot of help along the way, certain people and groups that supported me in my darkest days – not many and not friends or family, for the most part.

But I learned lessons, good lessons to learn at my age.

  • Never depend on anyone so much that you lose the ability to take care of yourself in the event you find yourself alone.
  • Anything can happen – things you don’t believe could happen in a million years, can happen – cancer, domestic violence, abandonment by friends and coworkers, divorce from the person you thought was your “rock” but became your destroyer –mentally, physically, psychologically; especially when it is you discover that he has a porn addiction.
  • NO ONE wants to talk about domestic violence or porn addiction – if it is brought up, you probably will never speak to that person again.
  • When both people involved in domestic violence work for the same federal agency, the attacker will be treated with more repect than the victim.
  • The division of friends in a break up can be very interesting No one likes a beaten woman – it really pisses people off for some reason to hear from a woman that her husband came home and beat her up for no reason. This includes coworkers, friends of the couple, family on either side of the couple, HR. and my supervisory chain. Two – maybe three people actually stood by me, everyone else melted away.
  • Being the victim of DV is worse to communicate to people than having cancer.

IMG_0262By the end of the year I started gaining some victories. And victories felt good. Taking my first solo vacation was the best thing I have done for myself in decades. I am getting closer to being a person I like again. But damn there is still a lot to get off my mind.




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